***The cards on the pictures on this page are from the Shadowland Tarot.
I have often wondered what I would do if I could do anything. I have had a very reflective and insightful couple of years into the person that I am that I somehow lost a sense of for so long. I have wondered long at the source of discontentment that I seem to find so often in life, and start hooking to through it all away and change things. It’s because I have put my calling to the side, focused on the words of others and lost my faith in myself and the ability to make my dreams work. No more, it’s time to step up, step forward and bring forth the me, way of being I want for my life. I am not blaming others for my feelings that resulted from their disbelief and criticisms, most people believe in theirselves a bit more than I have.
Thing is I know I am tough as grit and can do what I decide I want to, I prove it time and time when I just do without thinking about it, without needing to believe in myself I actually managed some amazing feats, I just haven’t always seen it. It’s easy to see what’s wrong, sometimes seeing what’s right is harder, especially when you just don’t fit the mould and you walk to the beat of a different drummer than those that surround you. We all are here to walk unique paths, we are not meant to be another’s clone, yet some of us hear a different drum beat that march to is important, it helps us to look outside the box.
Low self- esteem has been a challenge, seeing what is wrong with me has never been an issue. Seeing what is right that is another thing. I have long let this hold me back in life I come so close to putting myself out there and following my dream, but then I quit believing in myself there is a variety of reasons I let life keep me bound but sometimes you have to realize you are holding the binds together and you need to break them and set yourself free. Free from the binds of the stories others speak of me and my life. Not everyone has your best interests in mind, some sabotage you and your relationships as they profess their love for you and act like they are trying to get others to connect to you, as they give them reasons not too. Sometimes there is a lot of irony in life. Sometimes, there’s a mirror and maybe the sabotage originated from myself. I would be wise to consider myself in the equation here, all things originate from somewhere and part of it was certainly from me. Sometimes, you need someone talk to talk to, sometimes you choose the wrong person and things snowball. You would be better off to process within, journaling is a powerful tool, if you cannot be sure the nature of those you reach out.
What I know about myself is I am too giving, it upsets the balance found in Gebo, the rune for “gift”. Norse society recognized the need for balance in gifting and exchanges and this rune is represented by the form of the “X” balance is what keeps the “X” upright. I will discuss this more elsewhere in time (I can’t do it all at once, though it may all well be done when you get here). I can be a dreamer, that should leave you laughing. I need to let the scales become balance. Sometimes in giving too much there is no balance no appreciation or recognition. It takes other’s power away to take care of themselves and thereby appreciate when you do make those special efforts. Don’t let stereotypes define your roles instead seek balance in your relationships you both are sovereign and responsible beings you should not always give more in one one way or another without it being balanced. You come to wonder, why even bother when there seems to be no appreciation, when you are too much it makes it hard to appreciate the balance is lost.
I recognize many things about myself that is both strengths and weaknesses, sometimes the greatest of both. I tend to respond quickly, with directness, I’ve faced a lot in my life little is the end of the world. There was a time when and there still are moments it still feels the end of the world but it is not. A wise 90 year old once told me, things seem so big today, in a few years they are not as big or you will see they helped you to get where you needed to be, I think that’s how I got through 2020, maybe even how I got through the whole leaving Arizona. That’s another story, there are things I am not going into right now as I am looking for away to tell stories with tact and meaning instead of just digging at others through my posts. I may share more when I open up my shadow-work on a more private basis as that is where those insights are most valuable on a more personal nature with the purpose of healing the shadows. I can be my own worst enemy if I am not careful, I am a fire sun sign, I need to be careful with my words and actions, and reign in my impulsiveness a bit.
Too often when it comes to little things I fight and rebel against what others tell me I can’t do, however the big things that have been my heart’s call, I should have never let them shatter as memories of what I really always wanted filled my soul so I decided to do a tarot reading for myself before I continue on this path I have mapped out for me to start to change things. I decided to do a tarot reading and see what I could discover about this path I am starting to walk and I think I received a most blessed reading or set of cards. I would like to share that reading here instead of those dreams just yet, it’s time to keep them in the dark a bit as I plant that seed. As I said, I march to the beat of a different drummer, and walking to that beat people discourage things and stand against you when it is contrary to their beliefs. I will be sharing soon, there’s a time to plant, a time to grow and a time to harvest the journey first.
So here’s the reading: I used the Shadowland Tarot For this reading.
The first card I drew was for the place I will be when I decide to start this journey and then it is the progression of how it would turn out if I walked this path and how walking it would turn out if I do it. I received amazing signs this is a journey I should undertake. The first card was the none other than the Wheel of Fortune card 10 of the major arcana. In this particular reading all the cards were upright, and the reading began and ended with a major arcana in the end we get the Sun the journey has the Knight of Pentacles following the Wheel of fortune then we journey through several wands. The journey goes from the Wheel of Fortune to the Knight of Pentacles, 10 of wands, Queen of Wands, Ace of Wands, Nine of Wands and then card 19 for the Sun.
Here’s what I interpret from this for myself, without telling all. The short and sweet I am being blessed with minor challenges.
- THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE: The Wheel of Fortune turns sometimes we are on bottom and some times we are on top. Fortune changes we can have abundance one day to lose it all or have nothing and suddenly hit it lucky. If I follow along the path of my dreams, there is great fortune to come. Yet I feel a need to wait to speak it out, just yet it’s not time to harvest the fortune just yet, but to plant it as a seed. and let it grow. So, while the wheel of fortune is in my favor on this it is important to consider the energies that surround launching this into the world. Timing for bringing this out and starting to harvest seems to have not quite aligned yet and that I need to put my care and thought in this so the Wheel of Fortune is in my favor. I just don’t want it mistaken as a weed and someone trying to pull it or otherwise obliterate it. The Wheel of Fortune does not indicate it is something the world notices and I feel now is not the time for the world to notice for the Wheel of Fortune to stay favorable, sometimes you have to work to ensure you are able to stabilize your fortune and that time is now. Time to grow, the rest will come later. The card in this deck has a bat at the top empowered the hand pointing the fortune belongs to them. Interesting we see that there is a pencil indicating an X was just drawn and that is Gebo in the runes, and as I spoke above that speaks of the need for balance. There is a rabbit on one side and a cat on the other racing for the bat that is just clinging to hang on. There are many fortunes on the wheel and the symbols show us many possible combinations in how the Wheel of Fortune may turn for us or against us. Sometimes we are at the top and writing the wheel and others we are clinging on for dear life.
- KNIGHT OF PENTACLES: In this deck we have the Knight of Pentacles, sitting on top of a snail, movement seems to be at a snail’s pace but he is holding on to his gains and enjoying the luxury that life offers. There are clouds gathering in the mountains in the background. It is interesting here, as part of what I am looking at is using the moment to take it slow and enjoy the wealth and luxury you have. Maybe taking it slow to enjoy the luxury and pay attention what is around you, carefully choosing what is around you, yet I get more the impression of enjoying the luxury and taking it at a snail’s pace in moving forward. Honestly, it takes time to grow things before you are ready to share the harvest, it’s better to take it slow so you don’t kill everything before you get started. Enjoying the luxury- slow and steady, but not pretentious, reliable not so spontaneous.
- 10 OF WANDS: It looks like that is going to lead me to having a heavy load to carry for awhile. Hustling to get the work done before the seasons change. Looking at things closely. I can see there will be a lot of pressure on me and I will need to have grit to persevere under the pressure. It will take grit not to fold under this pressure. As I write this I wonder how I am going to succeed I have been so overwhelmed of late. It also suggests that I should consider whether or not the burden I am carrying is worth it and if I can’t carry it should I continue. Something needs to change or give way and may happen.
- QUEEN OF WANDS: The Queen of Wands is a powerful figure bring light and warmth is found her. She has her staff to support her steps in word or spirit and her cat with her shows she is an independent figure who is self-assured and powerful. If I can make it through the Ten of Wands I can see how it could come out like this. As powerful and assured as she is she also shows the ability to be quiet and reflective and a nurturing presence.
- ACE OF WANDS: From the Queen of Wands we move on to the Ace of Wands and find a hand out. It is reaching and out and the lending warmth and support the being in the hand reaches out and lights their own candle, beginning the journey that is to come ahead. It is now time to focus on the steps ahead to create the vision. It looks like the Wheel of Fortune is turning and if I keep even a slow steady pace, enjoying what I can along the way, then working hard when I need to and carry the weight of what I have too and I will become self-assured and ready to start the journey.
- NINE OF WANDS: Once the journey is underway there will be much reflections over what I have written and how they apply. There will be quiet study and reflection of the past journey. There is a bump on the head that is being nurtured, reflections of what brought them to this point and understanding of how I became who I am. Healing the battle wounds and reflecting on what happened to get me to where I am, healing the shadows so I can forge ahead.
- SUN: If I trust in this journey and work on this path it looks like I will finally be able to arrive at the energy of feeling I have caught the energy of the sun, I am open and free and connected to all that is around me. The nature is carefree, I am in full view naked and willing to be myself and embrace the world as I am, I am happy and carefree without dark clouds darkening my path. Light is pouring in and life feels like it is worth celebrating. Things are bright and cheerful.
Stay tuned, things will be unfolding and the harvest is not all that far away! Blessings and thanks for taking the time to read this far!
